the waiting is always worst

[onlyforthedream]

I have, frankly, no idea how long it's been. I have a clean shirt and my leg's been bandaged. I haven't left the chairs set up across the hallway from the door to the clinic. I don't plan to, not until there's some word, some update.

I want to know what's going on in that room. I'm terrified to know what's going on in that room.

With my elbows pressed into my knees and the hands loosely clasped, I run over the day's events in my head, step by step. I go farther back, the last week, the past month. My memory for details is excellent but I cannot for the life of me think what could have triggered this.

Whatever it was, I should have seen it. I should have known. Not that I know how I could have. I recognize this train of thought isn't helpful but I'm so damn tired, and there's nowhere else for the energy to go, the thoughts to turn.

The fact is, I can't do anything for him but wait.

Comments

[onlyforthedream]

I don't bother pointing out that there will never be another Abraham Erskine, that even if Xavier and McCoy- and Tony Stark- are unabashed geniuses, I have yet to meet a man who was as compassionate as he was brilliant in the way Dr. Erskine was.

That's not something anybody else knows, though. Everyone else who knew the man is dead. I'm not sure anyone else on the project even knew him that well, and to this day I'm still not sure why he spent the time with me that he did, after he'd decided I was the one.

But I understand what Tony's getting at.

"If I didn't trust them- trust you- to do this... it wouldn't be happening."

The history of people stealing Tony's armor is lengthy. I'm not surprised to hear the same has happened with the arc reactor, although the implications are somewhat more drastic, and seem more personal, somehow.

"It feels like an inelegant comparison, the serum in my blood to that," I say with a nod toward the reactor. It's a miracle of engineering, running off an element of Tony's creation. It's an incredible thing.

"But I think I understand. Then again, they're both works of art, I suppose. It's why the knock offs never turn out."

[notawastedlife]

Someone trusted him to do something. In part, although trusting him to be part of something was part of the bad. Well, wasn't that something. Put that on the mantlepiece somewhere.

"I do like to think of myself as an artist," Tony said, half under his breath. Ridiculous. I don't paint.

How about the Merchant of Death?

That's not bad.

[onlyforthedream]

I'm not sure what he's thinking of, what memory my comment sparked. I recognize the look well enough. I look at the floor, at the blood still drying, turning my pant leg stiff.

"The Thomas Crown Affair," I say suddenly, not sure why it comes to mind now, after Tony's off-handed quip hours ago.

"I saw that. Who sang the theme?" It's so incredibly trivial. It will drive me absolutely crazy until I figure it out.

God, I'm tired.

[notawastedlife]

Tony blinked. Somehow that was more offputting than anything, because it was the kind of random segue that he tended to associate more with... himself, and he always blamed it on the way his brain worked. Sometimes he went on tangents.

He supposed other people could have tangents, too.

"...the old one, or the new one?"

[onlyforthedream]

"There's a new one?" I ask, frowning.

"Why would someone remake that?"

[notawastedlife]

"The old one, then," Tony said, absently shuffling associations around in his brain to see if he could come up with that one. Now it was going to bug him if he couldn't figure it out, and he was at least half sure he didn't know to begin with.

And Jarvis didn't even have access to the internet to check.

"They remake everything. Brand recognition is big these days. Replaced the star system."

[onlyforthedream]

"That seems to apply to more than just Hollywood," I murmur. The Avengers are a brand, these days. As mantles get passed down and the shape of team changes, the way the American public- the world- views the team changes, it becomes less and less about the individual members, less about the heroes and more about Heroes as a group. A class. I wonder if that's what did it, what turned us all around so badly, but... I can't buy it. Nothing could make me regret Bucky becoming Captain America, I don't think.

God, let him pull through this. Please. The enormity of what he's fighting against turns most of my thoughts into white noise. I can't wrap my head around it anymore.

I suddenly straighten a little, snapping the fingers of my right hand.

"Dusty Springfield."

[notawastedlife]

"Well, that's a relief," Tony said. He had no idea if that was right or not, but it seemed to have clicked, no doubt it was. "I'll be able to sleep at night."

[onlyforthedream]

"You should," I say, ignoring the sarcasm.

"You've been powering that suit for most of the day. You should go, get some rest, have fresh eyes on this in the morning."

[notawastedlife]

"It's surprisingly comfortable," Tony said, but he did stand up, as if stretching. "Except where it chafes. And you will, I assume... continue to sit here."

[onlyforthedream]

"The two times he's needed me most, I wasn't there," I say, looking from Tony to the door, where my gaze holds.

"I'll be here for this."

[notawastedlife]

Tony considered. He probably wasn't going to convince the guy, he figured.

"At least try to nap on a chair," he said. "My house exploded, so I live... on the other side of the rec room."

[onlyforthedream]

Now's not the time to bring up that I've already spoken to Pepper about ways to help the reconstruction. He'll notice eventually, anyway.

Probably.

I nod a little.

"Tony," I say, lifting my head before he can start down the hall.

"Thank you."

[notawastedlife]

"Call it even, I still have... a face, Pepper'll be grateful, too," Tony said, passing a hand in front of said bullet-hole-free face to indicate that he'd been done a solid, too, before turning to head down the hall.

Really had to do something about EMPs. Getting them outlawed on the island was probably out of the question. And... wrong, it went to a kind of authoritarianism that just wasn't him. He'd cut the reboot time down.